Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

THIS IS AN ACTUAL CUSTOMER REVIEW FROM A MAN ON AMAZON.CO.UK AFTER USING VEET HAIR REMOVAL CREAM FOR MEN.


After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit if a treat.

I ordered it well in advance and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...Oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn’t have long to wait.

At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling not to bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen, by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, toe the lid off and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and an tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me.

This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.

Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering “ooooohhh that feels good” Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout fired against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…so to sum it up, VEET removes hair, dignity and self-respect. !

[Jackie-boy]

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.

After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Lets go back to my 'ouse, we could 'ave a lorra lorra fun."

So they went back to her place and got comfortable.

After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.

Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex. But while I'm shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand."

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay chuck."

He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, 'Cilla, that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to......."

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun."

Cilla complies with the routine.

The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks. "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer that much?"

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, she stole ma wallet." 

[TBWG]

The Satnav - by Pam Ayres
I have a little Satnav,
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend,
It tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav,
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones,
My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions,
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says,
"You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start,
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever,
Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red,
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively,
Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front,
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account,
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver,
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car,
It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling,
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it,
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things,
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages,
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then,
I could turn the bugger off.

[TBWG]

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.







"Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.






Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."







Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"







 

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

[TBWG]

Dan was a single guy living at home with his widowed father and working in
    the family  business.

    When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly
    father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share
    his fortune.

    One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful
    woman he had ever seen.  Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just
    a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days
    later, she became his stepmother.

    Women are so much better at financial planning than men!
 

[urleft]

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.

This fat homely chick came up behind me, grabbed my ass and said,

"You're kind of cute, you gotta a phone number?"

I said, “Yea, you gotta pen?"

She said "Yea", I got a pen".

I said, "Well, you better get back in it before the farmer misses you".

Cost me 6 stitches.

 

When you are over seventy . . . who gives a ****

 

 
***********
 

 

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,

"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

 

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.

"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

 

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

 

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs."

The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

When you are over seventy, who gives a ****

 

 

 

[TBWG]

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

  He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be there to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak:

  My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

  The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".


  Sarah replies, "Property? .... The asshole had a paper route!"

[urleft]

Wow, who would have thought that these guys knew Paul? 





Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us; we’re
joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please.”

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”

“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don’t we, Jim?” Jim agrees.

“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country... The history, the beer, the culture...”

“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers and Molson’s beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English - they’re so arrogant and rude.”

“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.

“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”

[urleft]

This illustrates Yanks (Junior) vrs Brits on this forum. 


There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim’s Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Junior said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

[jivvy]

 

NATIONAL LEVELS OF ALERT - THREATS TO EUROPE
 From JOHN CLEESE

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Regards,
 John Cleese,
 British writer, actor and tall person

And as a final thought - Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC

[TBWG]

This might be useful information.
>
> There is a medical distinction between the masculine terms; "Guts" and
> "Balls".   We've heard colleagues referring to people with "Guts", or with
> "Balls".   Do they, however, know the difference between them? Here's the
> official distinction; straight from the British Medical Journal: Volume 323;
> page 295.
>
>
> GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met by
> your wife with a broom, and having the "Guts" to ask: "Are you still
> cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
>
>
> BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of
> perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the bum and
> having the "Balls" to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
>
>
> I trust this clears up any confusion.
>
> Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.
>

[Adam]

This illustrates Yanks (Junior) vrs Brits on this forum. 


There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim’s Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Junior said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

Sums it up nicely doesn't it urleft, you are cleverer than all the Brits. Yet it is you who keeps poking at us, I notice. WTF!?

[urleft]

This illustrates Yanks (Junior) vrs Brits on this forum. 


There’s a little fellow named Junior who hangs out at Tim’s Grocery Store. The owner Tim doesn’t know what Junior’s problem is, but the boys like to tease him. They say he is two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles shy of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they offer Junior his choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes the nickel, they say, because it’s bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, Tim got him off to one side and said, “Junior, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?”

Junior said, “Well, if I took the dime, they’d quit doing it!”

Sums it up nicely doesn't it urleft, you are cleverer than all the Brits. Yet it is you who keeps poking at us, I notice. WTF!?

Adam,  It is all perspective.  I am poking  back, not first. 

[Adam]

One day a young paratrooper came to visit his father after he had completed training to become a paratrooper and began discussing his training.
 The young man told his father that training began with us jumping off platforms, each day they got higher and higher until the day came that we got to jump out of a real airplane.
 The drill sergeant asked for volunteers to go first.
 The father asked, "Did you volunteer to go?" The young man said "Oh no, I was too scared" Then the father said " what did the drill sergeant do with the people that didn't jump out"
 "Well" the young man said "the drill sergeant told us that if we didn't jump out he was going to throw us out”
The father asked "did he throw you out?"
 The young man said "Oh no, I held on to the side of that door for dear life I wouldn't let him throw me out for nothing."
 Then the father asked, "well, then what did the drill sergeant do?" He replied, " The drill sergeant told me that if I didn't jump out he was going to shove his dick up my ass"
 His dad asked, "Well did you jump?"
 The young man replied "Well YEAH, a little at first."

[TBWG]

*All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.*

*
**Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is
Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.*

*
**Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.*
*
**The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.*
*
**After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it
recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of
Mycoxafloppin.*

*Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix,
and of course, Ibepokin.*

*Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage
suitable for use as a mixer.*
*
**It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.*
*
**Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new
meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good
old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.*
*
**Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.*
*
**Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.*
*
*This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population
with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.
*