Ring any bells?

[jivvy]

Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

 Finally his exasperated partner asked, "what the hell is taking so long?"

 "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."

 "Good lord!" his companion exclaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here."

[TBWG]

Nearly screwed a Ladyboy last night.
Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled like a woman. Danced like a woman.
Even kissed like a woman, but as we arrived back at his apartment he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement!
That's when I thought -Hang on just a minute!


 

I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm.
I shouted - Where you off to Charlie?
He said, I'm off to change a light bulb.
Well I just cracked up, couldn't stop laughing, then said,
- That's gonna be a bit awkward in it?
- Not really. he said. I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard.


 


Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for the first time.
The proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day"

The boy replies 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'





Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night.
They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.






Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, 'How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you'








I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.








Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?'
Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says 'Yes, they don't x about at the crematorium.'






A friend of mine says he is making love to twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?' He said ' Her brother has got a moustache".







A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted 'He's behind you!'


 




The best for last:

Hubby has ' I love you' tattooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'
 

[TBWG]

Guts or Balls, a lesson to be learned

There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls
We've heard colleagues referring to people with Guts, or with Balls.
Do they, however, know the difference between them?
Here's the official distinction; straight from the British Medical
Journal: Volume 323; page 295.

GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a night out with the lads, being met
by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you
flying somewhere?

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the
Balls to say: "You're next, Chubby"

I trust this clears up any confusion.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome; both are fatal.

[urleft]

How to Tell the Difference Between the Branches of the US Armed Forces!

If you give the command "SECURE THE BUILDING", here is what the different services would do:

The NAVY would turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The ARMY would surround the building with defensive fortifications, tanks and concertina wire.

The MARINE CORPS would assault the building, using overlapping fields of fire from all appropriate points on the perimeter.

The AIR FORCE would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy the building.

[jivvy]

Anybody need their pool filled?

[jivvy]

London cab driver's answer to a request from a Muslim to turn off the radio. (You just got to love the Brits.)
 A devout Arab Muslim entered a black cab in London.
 He curtly asked the cabbie to turn off the radio because as decreed by his religious teaching, he must not listen to music because in the time of the prophet there was no music,
 ---------- especially Western music which is the music of the infidel.
 The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the door.
 The Arab Muslim asked him, "What are you doing?"
 The cabbie answered, "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so piss off and wait for a camel."

[jivvy]

So after landing my new job as a Tesco greeter,  a good find for many retirees,  I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. I said pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to Tesco. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one is 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, ma’am. I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Tesco .”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.

[DeputyDavid]

Indeed...

[Somnat]

Muslim Book Store

So, I was walking through the mall, and saw that there was a "Muslim Bookstore."

I was wondering what exactly was in a "Muslim Bookstore" so I went on in.

I was wandering around taking a look and the shop assistant stopped me and asked if
he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele.

I asked for a copy of the Australian Government Immigration Policy book regarding Muslims.

The clerk said, "x off, get out, and stay out!"

I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have that in paperback?

[TBWG]

> A young couple on their honeymoon in Las Vegas went to a bar one night and asked the bartender if there was any entertainment. The bartender replied, "Have we got entertainment? We have The Amazing Benny tonight!"
>
> With that, the lights lowered and a 70-year-old man hobbled onto the stage dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three walnuts on it. He then took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three walnuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage, dragging his card table.
>
> On their 20-year anniversary, the same couple went back to Las Vegas and to the same bar for a drink. The bartender was the same guy from 20 years before. The couple began chatting about how 20 years ago they saw this unbelievable act in this bar. The bartender said, "YES, The Amazing Benny! He is performing here tonight!"
>
> With that, the lights lowered and a 90-year-old man hobbled onto the stage slowly dragging a card table. He proceeded to set up the table and placed three coconuts on it. He took out his dick and WHACK, WHACK, WHACK, broke all three coconuts. The crowd broke into cheers, the lights went up and the old man hobbled back off stage sloooowly dragging his card table.
>
> The couple were amazed and told the bartender, "He did that 20 years ago when we were here... with walnuts. Now he does this with coconuts?"
>
> The bartender apologetically replied, "Well yes, 20 years ago he DID use walnuts. But of course, The Amazing Benny's eyes are not what they used to be."
>

[TBWG]

Ah so!
 
Australian, Canadian, UK and US men  over 50, will, on average,
have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men,
in the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per
year.
 
This is very upsetting news to many of my friends, as they had no
idea they were Japanese.
 

[TBWG]

>>> A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".
>>>
>>> "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
>>>
>>> "Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.
>>>
>>> "Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a product, he was never sure how to position it...
>>>
>>> "Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
>>>
>>> "Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.
>>>
>>> " But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> "Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?
>>>
>>> "You're with the
>>> "GOVERNMENT"
>>>
>>> This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."
>>>

[TBWG]

A  wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so,  the call went out.
Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his  blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of  his  blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Black Magic chocolates.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.
He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of
chocolates."

To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in ma veins".

[TBWG]

AN IRISHMAN'S FIRST DRINK WITH HIS SON


While reading an article last night about fathers and sons,
memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for
his first pint
…

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  I had to drink it.
Then I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer, so we tried a Jameson's -- nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!

By the time I realized me lad just didn't like to drink, I was so fookin' shit-faced I could hardly push his pram back Home.
 

[TBWG]

unfaithful ?? not really !
 
An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me??"
 
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.
 
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
 
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.
 
Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
 
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
 
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
 
"I recall that," said Henry. "And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time."
 
"Alright," Martha said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"