Ring any bells?

[urleft]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'



Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Little Johnny 'Giving up?'



The math teacher saw that Little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Little Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'



Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Johnny asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"



Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Little Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Little Johnny, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom ....'

[urleft]

NEW 2012 FORD

Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women. They are mixing the European Clio and the Ford Taurus, and calling it the "Clitaurus." It comes in pink, only. It probably will be a favorite target for the female car thief, but the average male thief won't be able to find it, even if someone tells him where it is.

[TBWG]

A woman goes to the Doctor, with bruises on her face.
The Doctor asks: "What happened?"
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk, he slaps me around."
The Doctor says: "I have a real good cure for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth.
Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is asleep."
 
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
 
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!
How does the water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water does f##k all.it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

[TBWG]

Good morning to all my politically incorrect friends!

A twin-engine plane has one of its engines fail,
Altitude and air speed are rapidly decreasing...
The pilot speaks over the intercom. "I'm sorry it had to come to this folks, but unfortunately we're gonna have to jettison baggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne."

Baggage is thrown out, but the plane's speed continues to decrease.
Again the pilot gets on the intercom; "I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start off-loading passengers. The only fair way to do it is alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter?


"A?. Africans, any Africans on board?"

No one answers "Ok then?

"B?. Black people, any black people?"
Again, silence.

"C? - Coloured people, any Coloured people on board?"

Silence.

A little black boy in the back turns to his mother. "But Mom, ain't we African?, ain't we Black? Ain't we Coloured?"

"Yes son, but for the purpose of this exercise we is Niggas.

Let dem Muslims go first."

[TBWG]

        Fool proof way for old guys "to pick up chicks"!



                                      A truly touching story....truly touching:









                       I met a girl in the park the other evening.

                       There was an instant spark between us and she

                       immediately dropped to her knees and laid

                       on the grass at my feet.

                       As we lay making love, I thought

                       "These taser guns are well worth the money."

[TBWG]

    If this bloke is not in advertising then he should be.  What great copy!!!

    An ad found in the  Canberra Times, Personal Section:This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!



    Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
    reputation, who can cook frogs
    legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
    schia garden, classic music and tal-
    king without getting too serious.

    Interested?
    Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
    still interested?
    Call me at...... 8250-0327

 

[TBWG]

The Importance of walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at £4,000 per month.



My grandpa started walking
Five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
And we have no idea where the hell he is.

I like long walks,
Especially when they are taken
By people who annoy me.



The only reason I would take up walking
Is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
Before my brain figures out what I'm doing...



I joined a health club last year,
Spent about £250
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there!

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.



I do have flabby thighs,
But fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
Is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, he looks good doesn't he.'





If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
Start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
The last few years,......
Just getting over the hill.





We all get heavier as we get older,
Because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
About how I look,
I just find a pub with a Happy Hour
And by the time I leave,
I look just fine.





You could run this over to your friends
But just e-mail it to them!
It will save you the walk!
 

[urleft]

The Irish Millionaire

Mick, from Dublin , appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 Euros.

"You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter,
"but for a million Euros you've only got one life-line left, phone a friend.
Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?"

"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"

"Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow

b ) Thrush,

c) Magpie,

d) Cuckoo?"

"I haven't got a clue." said Mick,
''So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Dublin .."

Mick called up his mate, and told him the circumstances and
repeated the question to him.


"*#+*in hell, Mick!" cried Paddy.
"Dat's simple it's a cuckoo."
"Are you sure?"

"I'm #*+*in sure."

Mick hung up the phone and told Chris,
"I'll go with cuckoo as my answer."

"Is that your final answer?" asked Chris.

"Dat it is."

There was a long, long pause and then the presenter screamed,
"Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million Euros!"
The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.

"Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know
it was DA Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?"


"Because he lives in a *#*+in clock!"

[aparasher]

Text from Husband to Wife: "Honey, I'm just having my last beer, I'll be home in 20 Mins, if I'm not, Read the message again"

[TBWG]

This may not apply to you yet, but it will. The frequency of having a craft moment rapidly increases (Craft: can't remember a fu..... thing)
 
AAADD- KNOW THE SYMPTOMS.....
Thank goodness there's a name for this disorder.
Somehow I feel better, even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. -
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests itself:
I decide to water my garden.
As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I head towards the garage, I notice post on the porch table that I picked up from the postman earlier.
I decide to go through it before I wash the car.
I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the recycling box under the table, and notice that the recycling box is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the recycling first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the postbox when I take out the recycling paper anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my cheque book off the table and notice that there is only one cheque left.
My extra cheques are in the desk in my study, so I go into the house to my desk where I find the cup of coffee I'd been drinking.
I'm going to look for my cheques but first I need to push the coffee aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.
The coffee is getting cold, and I decide to make another cup..
As I head toward the kitchen with the cold coffee, a vase of flowers on the worktop catches my eye - the flowers need water.
I put the coffee on the worktop and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers..
I put the glasses back down on the worktop, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote control. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV,I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I put the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn't washed
The bills aren't paid
There is a cold cup of coffee sitting on the kitchen work-surface
The flowers don't have enough water,
There is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
I can't find the remote,
I can't find my glasses,
And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day and I'm really tired.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.....
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I can't for the life of me remember to whom I've sent it.
Don't laugh - if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

[TBWG]

    Perks of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!

    01.  Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

    02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

    03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

    04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

    05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

    06.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

    07.. Things you buy now won't wear out

    08.  You can eat supper at 4 pm. 

    09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

    10.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

    11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

    12.  You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

    13.  You sing along with elevator music.

    14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

    15  . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off. 

    16.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

    17.  Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

    18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size. 

    19.You can't remember who sent you this list..

   
    And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[TBWG]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their
Tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.

Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, 'Kemo Sabe, look
Towards sky, what you see? '

'The Lone Ranger replies, 'I see millions of stars.'
 
'What that tell you?' asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, 'Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant.. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

 

'You dumber than buffalo Shit.  It means someone stole the tent.'

 

 

 

 

[TBWG]

Mathematics:

This comes from 2 maths teachers with a combined total of 70 yrs. experience.
It has an indisputable mathematical logic. It also made me Laugh Out Loud.
This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint..it goes like this:

What Makes 100%?

What does it mean to give MORE than 100%?

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%.

How about achieving 103%?

But what makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
are represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get                     you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass Kissing that will put you over the top.

Now you know why some people are where they are!

 

 

[TBWG]

Daddy, how was I born?

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?'

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!  Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.  Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared.

[TBWG]

Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size.

This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.