Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahamian, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans walk into a fine restaurant.
 
"I'm sorry," says the maître d' after scrutinizing the group. 
 
"You can't come in here without a Thai."
 
    
 

[Somnat]

TBWG

     

 

[Freddy]

Nice One

[TBWG]

An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker.
 

"Hey, how much you charge for an hour, sister?" he asks.

"$100" she replies.

In broken English, he says, "Do  you do immigrant style?"

"No," she says.

"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
 

"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
 

"I pay you $300."

"No," she says.
 

"I pay you $400."
 

"No," she says.
 

So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style".

She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
So she agrees and has sex with him.
 

Finally, after two hours, they finish.
 

Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting.  But that was ok. So, what exactly is 'immigrant style'?"
 

The illegal immigrant replies,  "You send bill to Government."
 


AND THAT, MY FRIENDLY TAXPAYERS, IS EXACTLY WHAT ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS ARE DOING TO US!
 

[TBWG]

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE


Thursday night I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes
up my nose & down my throat, every function & all around my head, hell of a
pain over my left ear, and a drop dead gorgeous nurse hovering over me.

It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not
feel anything from the waist down.'

I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then ?'

NOW THERE MY FRIEND IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE !!!
 
 

[urleft]

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo Toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first
day promptly at 8:00 AM

The next day at 8:45 AM there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.

He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up,
putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march
down to the factory floor.

When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all
over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stood Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.

She had a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The 2 men watched in amazement as she cut a little piece of fabric, wrapped it
around two marbles and began to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's
legs.

The Personnel Manager burst into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulled himself together and approached
Lena .

'I'm sorry,' he said to her, barely able to keep a straight face, 'but I think
you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...'

'Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.

[TBWG]

Snoring Solution
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."
The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said,
"Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.

[TBWG]

The Secretary
 
 One day the directors of a Chicago finance company were called in to a chairman's office until only the newest, most junior executive was left sitting nervously outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

 He entered the office to find the chairman and other eight directors seated solemnly around a table.
 
 Suddenly the chairman turned to the young man and asked: Have you ever slept with Miss Foyt, my secretary?
 
 No, certainly not.


Are you absolutely sure, persisted the chairman?
 
 Absolutely; I've never laid a finger on her.
 
 You'd swear to that on a stack of bibles?

 Yes, I swear I've never had a sexual relationship with your secretary.






 Good. Then you fire her.

[TBWG]

Unfortunately it's mostly true, the dumbing down of society…
 
I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was  digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and  gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two  quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried... Why  do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1960s:
 
 
 
1. Teaching Math In 1950s (when I  was in school)

A logger sells a truckload  of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price.  What is his profit?
 
 
2. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload  of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price,  or $80. What is his profit?
 
 
3. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload  of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a  profit ? Yes or  No
 
 
4. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger sells a truckload  of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit  is $20 Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
 
 
5. Teaching Math In 2000s

A logger cuts down a  beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and  cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of  our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What  do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class  participation after answering the question: How did the birds  and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There  are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's  ok).
 
 
6. Teaching Math In 2014
 
Un hachero vende una  carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es  $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?
 
ANSWER: His profit was  $375,000 because his logging business is just a front for his pot farm.

[DeputyDavid]

The above is more accurate than you may believe.  Thus, I retire to Thailand.

[TBWG]

I believe it .... It's now drag everybody down to the lowest level and praise them for mediocrity rather than try and improve the dumbest!

[mike]

Where is the like button, that is the funniest joke I have heard since I did math in the 50's

[JasonB]

I believe Mike,that I have actually had that joke happen to me in Australia several times over the last 20 odd years or so,the last time I was in MacDonalds.But we can't leave the Thai's out because we love their dear little hearts,have you ever made a purchase somewhere without a cash register that didn't use a calculator???

[mike]

A long time ago yes, but not these days.

[urleft]

Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
 
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
 
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
 
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
 
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
 
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
 
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
 
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older than to get wiser.
 
8. Some days you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
 
9. I wish the buck really did stop here - I sure could use a few of them.
 
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
 
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
 
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
 
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
 
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
 
15. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
 
16. It’s not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
 
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
 
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .
 I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder
 what I’m “here after.”