Ring any bells?

[TBWG]

From: The International Council of Man Laws.
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his friends.

4: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

5: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

6: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for  another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.  At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's  choice.

7: In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not  the
weakest.

8: When stumbling upon other guy watching a sporting event, you may  ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's  playing.

9: You may x in front of a woman only after you have brought her  to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of  flatulent
entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your
girlfriend.

10: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach ... and it's delivered by a topless model  or if
it's free.

11: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed  to
kick another guy in the nuts.

12: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

13: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. EVER.... Issue closed.

14: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see  anything.

15: Women who claim they 'love to watch sports' must be treated as  spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to  drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

16: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must  remain
sober enough to fight.

17: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of  pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.

18: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer  than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.  Hang up
if necessary.

19: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly 'just a friend'  have
carnal, drunken monkey sex. The fact that you're feeling weird and  guilty
is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion
occurs about what a big mistake it was.

20: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable  for her
to drive yours.

21: Thou shall not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue..

22: The girl who replies to the question 'What do you want for  Christmas?'
with 'If you loved me, you'd know what I want!' gets an Xbox360. End of
story.

23: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's  Gymnastics..
EVER.

I hope this clears up any confusion.

[TBWG]

 A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond
> bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more
> closely, she unexpectedly farts.
>
> Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed
> her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
> As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of
> a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well
>
> Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect
> of a professional in a store like Harrods.
> He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help
> you today?
>
> Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman
> somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of
> this lovely bracelet?'
>
> He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going
> to shit yourself when I tell you the price!"
>

[TBWG]

A father goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed. With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:
Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend. I’ve found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his stolen Harley.

But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in Epping Forest. He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too.

I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Ahmed’s friends. They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want.

In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better. He deserves it.

Don’t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £200 per scene. I get a £200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra £100 for the Alsatian.

Don’t worry Mum. Now I’m 14 I know how to take care of myself. Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren.

Dad, I found the cash you were hiding from Mum, but don't worry we left you a few quid.

Your loving daughter,

Angelina.

P.S. Dad. For God's sake calm down.
It’s not true.
I’m actually watching TV at the neighbours.
I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England losing the
f--king Ashes.
 

[TBWG]

 
 
 

 

 

 

 
Laughter is the BEST Medicine



 
Advertisement In Shop:
'Guitar, for sale...... Cheap...... no strings attached.'

Ad. In Hospital Waiting Room:
'Smoking Helps You Lose Weight....
One Lung At A Time!'

On a bulletin board:
'Success Is Relative.
The More The Success,
The More The Relatives.'

When I Read About The Evils Of Drinking....
I Gave Up Reading

[Somnat]

If only ....

[Somnat]

^^^^ Double post of pic

Probably because they are TWINS !!!!!!!

[TBWG]

A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

 
The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen  solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

 
As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

 
Shivering in the cold, his task finished, the young airman takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer's asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.

 
Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind for me?

 

[TBWG]

 A teacher asked her junior class to names things ending in "tor" that
> ate things.
> The first little boy said, "Alligator".
> "Very good James, that's a big word", said the teacher.
> The second little boy said, "Predator".
> "Yes, that's another big word", said the teacher.
> Little Johnny says, "Vibrator".
> After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, "That's a big word
> Johnny, but
> it doesn't eat anything".
> Johnny says, "Well my sister has one and she says it eats f***king
> batteries like there is no tomorrow".

[TBWG]

Great Female Humor!
 


While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the G.I.'s on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.

Finally, she said, 'Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan '

An old Master Sergeant sitting in the eighth row thought to himself,
'Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman? '

When the attendant came by he said 'Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?'
'Yes,'! said the attendant, 'In fact, this entire crew is female.'


'My God,' he said, 'I wish I had two double scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.'

'That's another thing, Sergeant,' said the crew member, 'We No Longer Call It The Cockpit'
'It's The Box Office.'

[Somnat]

------Wife's Diary:

 

 

I thought my husband was acting weird tonight. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends most of the day, and they dropped me off a bit late to meet him.  I thought he was upset because of that, but he didn't comment on it.

Then, I thought maybe the noise of the restaurant was inhibiting conversation, so I suggested that we go someplace where we could talk.  He didn't seem interested, but he quietly agreed.  I asked him what was wrong.  He said, "Nothing".  I asked him if I had done something to upset him.  He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.  He smiled slightly, but continued to drive in silence.  I can't explain his behavior.  I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely.  It was as if he wanted nothing more to do with me.  He just sat quietly, and watched TV.  He continued to appear distant.

Finally, with silence between us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed, but, I still felt that his thoughts were elsewhere.

When he fell asleep, I cried.  I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure he's thinking of someone else. Maybe he's even having an affair.  My life is a disaster!

 

 

 

 

-----Husband's Diary:

 

 

A two-foot putt!  How the fu@k  can you miss a two-foot putt!

[urleft]

A major international company was looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from different parts of the world.

 In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours and the one with the best answer would get the job.

 The question was: "A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back.

 What is the man's name?"

 After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first, from the USA , says "My answer is, there IS no answer".

 The second, from England, says "My answer is that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given".

 The third one, from Scotland, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer?"

 The Scotsman got the job.

[TBWG]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.


The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
'Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

[urleft]

State Trooper was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in lovers' lane, with the interior light brightly glowing. He carefully
approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the trooper walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer'?

The trooper asks: 'What are you doing?'

The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine.'

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the trooper says: 'And, her, what is she doing?'

The young man shrugs: 'Sir , I believe she's filing her fingernails.'

Now, the trooper is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: 'What's your age, young man?'

The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'

The trooper asks: 'And her, what's her age?'

The young man looks at his watch and replies:

'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'

[CO-CO]

Paddy was telling Mick about taking his first parachute jump.



"When I got to the door I lost my bottle and I just couldn't jump".



"The 6'7" man mountain black instructor unzipped his fly and drops out his 14 inch dong, and says,



 'If you don't jump you're gonna get this baby right up your arse.".



Mick says, 'Did you jump?'




Paddy says, 'I did a bit, when it first went in.'

[urleft]

A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn Autocorrect...I meant "WiFi", not "Wife".