Ring any bells?

[DeputyDavid]

Old wifes tales.  Sunglasses are illegal to wear at night here.  Secondly, if there is wheel spin on ice or water, engine speed will be reduced due to the increased speed of the wheels rpm, thus reducing the hydroplaning effect. 

[Adam]

I'll try the sunglasses next time cheers

Or maybe not then!

[TBWG]

 

 
THE TROUBLE WITH RETIREMENT
 
The trouble with retirement is that the minute you wake up in the morning, you are on the job.
 
First,  you forget names.  Then you forget faces.  Then you forget to zip up your fly, and then you forget to unzip your fly.
 
I find the biggest trouble with having nothing to do is...you can't tell when you are done.
 
When you see some people work, you wonder what they will do in retirement.
 
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.
 
The worse thing about retirement is having to drink coffee on your own time.
 
Retirement is a wonderful thing.  It is like being a member of Congress.  You do nothing and then rest afterward!

[urleft]

Murphy,  a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the  line of furniture  in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what  he could  find.
 
After  arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers  and selected a  line  that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new  acquisition,  he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of  wine.
 
As he  sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place  was quite crowded, and  that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the  house.
 
Before  long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his  table, asked  him  something in French (which Murphy  could not  understand), so he motioned  to  the vacant chair and invited her to sit  down.
 

He  tried to speak to her  in English,  but she did not speak his language. After a couple of  minutes of  trying  to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a  picture of a  wine  glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a  glass of wine  for  her.
 
After sitting together at the table  for a while, he took another napkin, and drew  a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the  bistro  and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic  music.
 
They  ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and  drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and  they got up to dance. They danced  until the cafe closed and the band was packing up.
 
Back at their table, the young lady took a  napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed on it.
 












>>>> To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out  he was  in  the furniture business.

[urleft]

Puns  for Educated Minds (someone please explain these to Nookie)
 

The  fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was
 Sir Cumference.  He acquired his size from too much pi.
 --------
 I  thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island,
 but it turned  out to be an optical Aleutian.
--------
 She  was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
--------
 A  rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra  class,
 because  it was a weapon of math disruption.
--------
 No  matter how much you push the envelope,
 it'll still be  stationery.
--------
 A  dog gave birth to puppies near the road
 and was fined for  littering.
--------
 A  grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would
 result in Linoleum  Blownapart.
--------
 Two  silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
--------
 A  hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall.
 The police are  looking into it.
--------
 Time  flies like an arrow but fruit flies like a banana.
--------
 Atheism  is a non-prophet organization.
------
 Two  hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said 
 to  the other: "You stay here, I'll go on a head."
--------
 I  wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit  me.
--------
 A  sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said:
 ' Keep off the  Grass.'
--------
 The  midget fortune-teller who escaped from
 prison was a small medium at large.
--------
 The  soldier who survived mustard gas and
 pepper spray is now a  seasoned veteran.
--------
 A  backward poet writes inverse.
--------
 In  a democracy it's your vote that counts.
 In feudalism it's your count that votes.
--------
 When  cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine  ..
--------
 A  vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane.  The
 stewardess  looks at him and says,
 "  I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
--------
 Two  fish swim into a concrete wall.
 One turns to the other and says,  " Dam! "
--------
 Two  Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the  craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again
 that you can't  have your kayak and heat it.
--------
 Two  hydrogen atoms meet. One says, " I've lost my electron. " The other  says, " Are you sure? "
 The first replies, " Yes, I'm positive.  "
--------
 Did  you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
 during a  root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
--------
 There  was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at  least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten  did.

[TBWG]

Norman, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Norman, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
 
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

[TBWG]

 
    The History of the Middle  Finger     
 I never knew this before, and now  that I know  it, I feel  compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too,  will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know  something about it?
 Before the Battle of Agincourt in  1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut  off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would  be  impossible to  draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of  fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made  of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was  known as 'plucking the yew' (or 'pluck yew').
Much to the bewilderment  of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French  by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying, See, we can  still pluck yew! Since 'pluck yew' is rather  difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at  the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and  thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute!  It is also because of the pheasant  feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that  the symbolic gesture is known as 'giving the  bird.' 
 IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO  THE FRENCH TODAY!
 And yew thought yew knew every plucking  thing

[Adam]

I have heard this before, but it was not for the middle finger, but for the two fingers used in the usual V that we are all familiar with and I must admit 2 fingers to draw back a bow string seems more likely than just one? This being where the usual 2 finger salute comes from.

[urleft]

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Missoula that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal , like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a gun before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman .

[urleft]

 Nescafe manages to arrange a meeting with the pope at the Vatican.

 After receiving the papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers, “Your Eminence, we have an offer for you.

 Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’”

 The pope responds, “That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.”

 “Well,” says the Nescafe man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.”

 “My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord, and it must not be changed.”

 The Nescafe guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith, but we do have one final offer... We will donate $500 million - that’s half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily coffee.’ Please consider it.”

 And he leaves.

 The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals.

 “There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news. The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.”

 “And the bad news, your Holiness?” asks a Cardinal.

 “We’re losing the Wonderbread account.”

[TBWG]

A  man goes into a restaurant and is seated.  All the
waitresses  are gorgeous.  A particularly voluptuous
waitress wearing a very short  skirt and legs that won't quit
came to his table and asked if he was ready  to order,
"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then  scans her beautiful frame top
to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."
The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.
After she regains her  composure she returns and asks again,

"What would you like,  sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers,
"a quickie, please."
This time her anger takes over, she reaches over  and slaps him
across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms  away.
A man sitting at the next table leans over and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

 

[urleft]

"The Lost Purse"

 A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.

 It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it.
Now there are twenty $1 bills."

 The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

[urleft]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

 For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[urleft]

A pompous self made grocer named Bates gets his son into an expensive private school.

On day One the whole family is there to see the little blighter begin his first day at school. The grocer, his family in tow, saunters into the principal's office and introduces himself thus:

"I am Sir Shortweight Bates. This is my wife, Lady Bates, my daughter Miss Bates and my son Master Bates."

"Oh does he?" asks the bemused principal, "we will soon get him out of that terrible habit."

[TBWG]

2.   A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
>>
>>
>>
>> 3.   He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
>>
>> 4.   A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
>>
>> 5.  Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
>>
>> 6.   Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
>>
>> 7.  Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
>>
>> 8.   The  50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting
>> something  right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it  wrong.
>>
>> 9.   It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world
>> end-to-end, someone  would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
>>
>> 10.  If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
>>
>> 11.  The things that come to those who wait may be the things left by
>> those who got there first.
>>
>> 12.  Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.  Teach a man to fish
>> and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
>>
>> 13.  Flashlight:  A case for holding dead batteries.
>>
>> 14.  God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the  dark.
>>
>>
>>
>> 15.  When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of
>> twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
>