Ring any bells?

[urleft]

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.

'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But by the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...You must be a POLITICIAN'

[urleft]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a Beer.
 
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said “Who owns the big white horse outside?”
 
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, “I do....Why?”
 
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, “I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead !”
 
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
 
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, “Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.”
 
Tonto said, “Sure, Kemosabe” and took off running circles around Silver.
 
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger turned to the saloon to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, “Who owns that big white horse outside?”
 
The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, “I do, what’s wrong with him this time?”
 
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says,
 
 
“Nothing, but you left your injun runnin”.

[urleft]

You know you’re a redneck if ...
 
... The primary color of your car is bondo.
 ... In your wedding picture you have a toothpick in your mouth.
 ... Your mama dont remove the marlboro from her lips before telling the state trooper to kiss her ass!
 ... Your richest relative buys a new house and you have to help take the wheels off.
 ... You think potted meat on a saltine is a hors d’oeuvre.
 ... You consider a six pack of beer and a bug-zapper quality entertainment.
 ... Less than half the cars you own run.
 ... Directions to you house include “turn off the paved road”.
 ... You honestly think women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tounge gestures.
 ... Your family tree does not fork.
 ... Your wife’s hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
 ... You’ve ever hollered, “Rock the house, Bubba” during a piano recital.
 ... Your mother has ever been involved in a fistfight at a high-school sports event.
 ... You’ve ever BBQ’d Spam on the grill.
 ... The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
 ... Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
 ... You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since Smokey & the Bandit was snubbed for best picture.
 ... The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front ones.
 ... You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
 ... You consider “Outdoor Life” deep reading.
 ... Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
 ... You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
 ... Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
 ... You think beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
 ... You think Campho-phenique is a miricle drug.
 ... You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
 ... You think Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.
 ... You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
 ... You’ve ever been too drunk to fish.
 ... You have a rag for a gas cap.
 ... Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

You might be a redneck if...
 
- Your wife wears a dress that’s strapless with a bra that isn’t.
 - You have a home that’s mobile and five cars that aren’t.
 - Your huntin’ dawg cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
 - You walk your son to school because you’re both in the same class.
 - You’ve been accused of lyin’ through your tooth.  (could also be a Brit)
 - You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
 - Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
 - You move the refrigerator and discover that the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
 - You’ve ever financed a tattoo.
 - You’ve ever used the O on a stop sign to sight your rifle.
 - Your car burns more oil than gas.
 - You mow your front lawn and find a car.
 - You consider yourself an entrepreneur because of the “Free Dirt” sign in front of your house.
 - Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
 - You’ve ever made love in a satellite dish.
 - You think the mountain men in “Deliverance” were just misunderstood.
 - Your front porch collapses and kills at least three dogs.
 - The Salvation Army refuses your old mattress.
 - You haul more back from the dump than you hauled in.

[urleft]

International child aid is starting to arrive after an earthquake left 50,000 children under 10 orphaned & alone to fend for themselves.
 USA are sending medicine & doctors.
 UK are sending food & shelter,
 while Ireland are sending 1000 priests on a holiday of a lifetime!

[urleft]

Irish Fight

Into a belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling,his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he is walking with a limp.

"What happend to you? asks Sean the bartender.

"Jamie O Conner and me had a fight." says Paddy.

"That little sh*t, O Conner " says Sean "He couldnt do that to you, he must of had something in his hand."

"That he did. says Paddy ''a shovel is what he had, and a terrible licken he gave me with it"

"Well'' says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didnt you have something in your hand?"

''That I did'' said Paddy..."Mrs. O Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

[TBWG]

The Barber

A Guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half' .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said....


'Your house'

[TBWG]

A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
 
      She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
      Anything you say, can and will be held against you..."
 
      The drunk says,
 
      "Tits."

[TBWG]

Please make sure you read down to Saving The Best For Last - a must read.

Actual call centre conversations
.
Customer: "I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?".
Operator: "Where did you get that number from, sir?".
Customer: "It was on the door to the Travel Centre".
Operator: "Sir, they are our Opening Hours".

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Samsung Electronics
.
Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?"
Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".
Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?"
Operator: "I think they mean the telephone point on the wall"

----------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while travelling in France):
"If I register my car in France, do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of the car?"
.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
.
Operator: "Woven? Are you sure?"
Caller: "Yes. That's what it says on the label; Woven in Scotland "
.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop".
Customer: "OK".
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?".
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No".
Tech Support: "OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?".
Customer: "Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'".
.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Tech Support: "OK. In the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: How can you see my screen from there?"
.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
.
Caller: "I deleted a file from my PC last week and I have just realised that I need it. If I turn my system clock back two weeks will I have my file back again?".
.
---------------------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------

SAVING THE BEST TO LAST.............................


There's always one.

I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired.
 
This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.  Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for "Termination without Cause".
.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!)
.
Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power........ A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f%*%*%g stupid to own a computer!"

[TBWG]

Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur 'You get
out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

'You were driving; you go and tell the farmer,' says Cherie.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky,
the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie.

'I knocked on the door and I said to them: 'I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'

[Somnat]

Missing Wife Found by Alaska State Troopers:

 

 The day after his wife disappeared In a kayaking accident, an

 Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State

 Troopers.

 

 "We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your

 wife", said one of the troopers.

 

 "Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkens exclaimed.

 

 The troopers looked at each other.

 

 One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really

 great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

 

 Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

 

 The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we

 found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay ."

 

 "Oh my God!", exclaimed Wilkens.

 

 Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

 

 The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12

 twenty-five-pound king crabs and 6 good-sized Dungeness crabs clinging

 to her, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

 

 Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's

 the great news?"

 

 The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."

[CO-CO]

 
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners.  You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the church.

When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.


"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.


"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.


The pastor asked him what happened.


"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer will power. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable.


We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts.


But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I
noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.


"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.


"We know," said the young man, hanging his head.






"We're not welcome at B & Q anymore, either.
 

[Somnat]

Late Night Phone Call to the Vet
 
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "on heat', agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while the neighbours were on vacation.
 
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
 
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said, "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.

I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

 
"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

 


"Just worked on me," he replied.

[Somnat]

Why God sends rain to South America and not the middle East




[attachment deleted by admin]

[TBWG]

A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday.
After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive.
She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn't want to spend a fortune.


'Well,' said the clerk, 'I have a very large bullfrog.
They say it's been trained to give blow jobs!'

'Blow jobs!' the woman replied.
 
'It hasn't been proven but we've sold 30 of them this month,' he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift, and what if it's true...
No more blow jobs for her!

She bought the frog. When she explained froggy's ability to her husband, he was extremely skeptical and laughed it off!…
The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds.
She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the frog reading cook books.

'What are you two doing at this hour?' she asked.



 
The husband replied, 'If I can teach this frog to cook... you're gone.'
 
 
 

[TBWG]

A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew the gun over and it discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

"What's the bad news?"asked the hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

" Not exactly answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."