The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW

[urleft]

A survey was taken on what was the best part of a blow job?



99.3% of the men stated it was the 10 minutes of silence.     

[Admin]

See this video... 

[den Buut]

[wildoates]

Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis two hundred and fifty times.

[Bigbus]

Two Sides to a Story....


Two women are chatting in an office.
 
Woman 1: I had sex last night, did you?
 
Woman 2: Yes.
 
Woman 1: Was it good?
 
Woman 2: No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his
dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five
minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?
 
Woman 1: Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out
to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came
home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay.
We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked
for an hour. It was like a fairytale! 

 

 


At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.
 
Husband 1: You wanted sex last night, how was it?
 
Husband 2: Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate,
screwed my wife and fell asleep. It was great!  What about you?
 
Husband 1: It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because
they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to
take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have
money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when
we got home remember there was no electricity so I had to light fucking
candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for
an hour and then I couldn't come for another hour. After I finally did,
I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was
jabbering away for another hour!

[Admin]

A joke:

One night at an economy motel, a guest ordered a 6 a.m. wake-up call. The next morning, he woke before 6, but the phone did not ring until 6:30.

"Good morning," a young man said. "This is your wake-up call."

Annoyed, he let the motel worker have it. "You were supposed to call me at 6!, what if I had a million-dollar deal to close this morning, and your oversight made me miss out on it?"

"Well, sir," the desk clerk quickly replied, "if you had a million-dollar deal to close, you wouldn't have been staying in this motel, would you?"

[buriramboy]

Heaven is:
- when the chefs are French
- the mechanics Swiss
- the police British
- the lovers Italian
- and it is all organized by the Germans

Hell is:
-When the chefs are British
- the mechanics French
- the police German
- the lovers Swiss
- and it is all organized by the Italians.

[wildoates]

T two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, 'Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up.'

'Sure,' they said, 'You're welcome.' So they started playing and enjoyed
the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, 'What do you do for a living?'
'I'm a hit man,' was the reply.

'You're joking!' was the response.
'No, I'm not,' he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. 'Here are my tools.'

'That's a beautiful telescopic sight,' said the other friend, 'Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.'

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
'Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbour in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, 'How much do you charge for a hit?'
'I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.'
'Can you do two for me now?'

'Sure, what do you want?'

'First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth.'

'Then the neighbour, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.'

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

'Are you going to do it or not?' said the friend impatiently.

'Just be patient,' said the hit man calmly, 'I think I can save you a grand here..

[wildoates]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into town
and went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
We went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
 
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi turd. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So my wife called him a sh..-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote... Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus and saw the car had an Obama sticker... We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.. It's important at our age.

[urleft]

Older Men Scam

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves in parking lots. This is the first warning for men.  I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may shop at places like Makro or Big C. This one caught me totally by surprise. Many have become victims of this clever scam. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't  happen to you or your friends.

Here's how it works:

Two young, pretty ladies come over as you are packing your shopping bags into your car. They both start
wiping your windshield with a rag and window cleaner, with their short-shorts revealing a bit of ass. (It's
impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride
to the bus station.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they undress. Then one of them starts crawling all
over you, while the other one steals your wallet!

I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 23rd, 24th, & 29th.  Also July 1st & 4th, twice on the 8th, and 16th--and very likely again this coming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

FYI: Bic G has wallets on sale for only 99 baht each. But I found even cheaper ones at the night market
for 69 baht.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the guard for this scam.   (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[TBWG]

This is alarming

Beer contains female hormones!

Yes, that's right, FEMALE hormones!

Last month,   Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects,

yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and

Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

TBWG

[TBWG]

Life as a senior


Yesterday my wife asked why I didn't do something useful with my time.
She suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the
guys. I did this and when I got home last night I told her that I had
 joined a parachute club.
 
She said "are you nuts? You're 73 years old and you're going to start
 jumping out of airplanes?"
 
I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
 
She said to me, "You idiot, where are your glasses! This is a
membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club!"
 
I'm in trouble again and don't know what to do! I signed up for five
jumps a week!
 

TBWG

[urleft]

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'

The little white guy faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, 'What's wrong with you?'

In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white guy says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!    

[fox]

Really Funny Joke:

Thai Construction Worker

    In a construction company, there were a French worker and a Thai worker working together. One morning, the boss comes out to give order to his workers.

            He said to the French, “You are in charge of the cement.”
            Then he said to the Thai, “You are in charge of the supplies.”
            Then he said, “The work better be finished by the end of the day, or you will be fired.” After that he left the work to get their work done. The boss comes back at the end of the day. He inspections the cement work from the French worker, and he says, “Good job”. Then he starts looking for the Thai guy, but he is no where to be found. He asks, “Where the heck is the Thai guy?”

            Suddenly, the Thai guy jumps out from a big pile of dirt and yells, “Supplies”.

[urleft]

You want me to smell WHAT???




[attachment deleted by admin]