The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW

[TBWG]

    A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.  The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard  balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow  swallows it whole.

    The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

    The guy says "No, what?"

     "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table! He swallowed it whole!"

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "He eats everything insight, the little bastard.  Sorry.   I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."  He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.

    Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He order a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on  the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it.

    The bartender is disgusted.  "Did you see what your monkey did now?"  He asks.

    "No, what?"  replies the guy.

    Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his ass, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the bartender.

    "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to shit out that cue ball, he measures everything first."

[TBWG]

Subject: FW: Friendly Holiday Advice
>
>
>
> Friendly Holiday Advice
>
> Please, take care of yourself this Christmas. A recent joint study conducted
> by the Department of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles indicates
> that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol-related.
>
> This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink
> coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, milk, water, and piss like that.
>
> Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause three times
> as many accidents.
>
> This message is sent by someone who cares about your well being.
>

[TBWG]

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.

On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then the priest comes in. "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession,

but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

The priest replies: "Get out. You're on my side."

[urleft]

I was called by a charity trying to get my old clothes for the Starving people in Africa.  I said: 

"The hell with you, if they fit my clothes they are not starving!"

[TBWG]

     Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in  the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of his old red Massey Ferguson.

    Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first to the right, then to the  left.
     
    He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips  over his corduroy trousers .
     
    Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his cap on to a pile of hay.

    "What on earth are you doing, Mick?" says Paddy.

    "Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me!" says an obviously embarrassed Mick.  "But me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor!

 

[TBWG]

I went to an extremely attractive female doctor today to have my annual check up.

She said I would have to stop masturbating, I said why?

She said  ~~~ because I am trying to examine you!


TBWG 

[TBWG]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL WAS AWAITING YOU

IF - YOUR BATH WATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS OR PETS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?

SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE ?



Well....... HELLOOooo !!!!!!! YOU'D BE at THE WRONG F**KIN' HOUSE!

 

[Admin]

Has This Ever Happened To You?

He held me strongly but gently just above my elbow and led me into a room, his room. The door was quietly shut and we were alone!

He approached me without making a sound from behind then spoke in a low but reassuring voice very near to my ear. "Just relax and be calm".

Without warning, he reached down and I felt his strong, calloused hands start at my ankles, gently probing, and moving upward along my calves slowly but steadily. My breath caught in my throat. I knew I should be afraid, but somehow I didn't care. His touch was so experienced, so sure.

When his hands moved up onto my thighs, I gave a slight shudder, and partly closed my eyes. My pulse was pounding. I felt his knowing fingers caress my abdomen, my ribcage.. And then, as he cupped my firm, full breasts in his hands, I inhaled sharply. Probing, searching, knowing what he wanted, he brought his hands to my shoulders, slid them down my tingling spine and into my panties.

Although I knew nothing about this man, I felt oddly trusting and expectant. This is a man, I thought. A man used to taking charge. A man not used to taking "No" for an answer. A man who would tell me what he wanted. A man who would look into my soul and say ... "Okay Mam," said a voice, "All done."

My eyes snapped open and he was standing in front of me, smiling, holding out my purse. "You can board your flight now."

[TBWG]

The Polite Way To Pee
 
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question: 'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?
 
Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying, 'That would  be rude and impolite.

 What about you Sherman, how would you say it?'
  Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back.'
 'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
 
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'
'I would say Darling, may I please be excused  for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'
 
The teacher fainted. 

[urleft]

Little girl on a plane.   How true it is               

A Congressman was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk?  Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."           

The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"                                 


"Oh, I don't know," said the congressman. "How about global warming, universal health care, or stimulus packages?" as he smiled smugly.             

"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics  but let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"                             

The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says,       "Hmmm, I have no idea."                             

To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the economy, when you don't know shit?"  and, then she went back to reading her book.

[swimming pizza]

Blonde Phone Call

"Hi Mom, How are you?"

"Hi Sally, where are you? I thought you were with your father at the Ace
Hardware"

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call"

"What happened?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth ~ why did you do that ??"

"Well it wasn't my fault.Dad told me to find a Black & Decker ."




A tough looking biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an
opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous
Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[binnsy]

A man was walking his  through the graveyard when he saw anouther man crouching behind a gravestone "morning" he said. The other man replies, no, just having a shit 

[Admin]

A chap was in court for various sexual affences and the converstion with the judge went something like this:

Judge To the man: Right you are accused of having indecent sexual realations with the Butcher ,The vicar,The store keeper,and the woman next door,How do you Plead?

Man: Not guilty You honour (Quietly)

Judge To the man: Speak up I cant hear you.

Man: Not guilty You honour (Quietly)

Judge To the man: Speak up man I cant hear you,whats the matter with you?

Man: I have a sore throat.

Judge To the man: Have you tried Sucking a Fishermans friend?

Man to the judge: Dont you think i'm in enough trouble already!!!!!!!!

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[boloa]

Fat Guy on the Beach ....FAIL 

[TBWG]

    A little boy asks his dad : whats between mom’s legs?

    The father answers        : paradise, my son

    The kid asks again         : whats between your legs?

    The father replies: the key to the paradise

 

    The son says: piece of advice dad, change the lock, the neighbour has a copy!