The Biggest Jokes thread!!!WOW

[TBWG]

> > The  French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
>
> > "Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said.
> > "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"
> >
> > "Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"
>
> > "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" 
> >
> > Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."
> >
> > "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
> >
>   Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
> >
> > "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.
> >
> > "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
> >
> > Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army 150,000 since we last spoke."
> >
> > "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
> >
> > Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on!  We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys From the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"
> >
> Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat.  "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites.  And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"
> >
> > "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."
> >
> Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o'the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy!   I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
> >
> > "Really?  I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
> >
> > "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
>


TBWG

[TBWG]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"

--------- ---------

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It’s your bloody plane!"
--------- --------- -

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters,hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.

--------- ---------

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on".
------------------ -

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says
"You know what I want, don't you?"

"Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bloody bed by the looks of it!"
---------------------

Paddy and Mick go to  London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster!

Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
---------


Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

--------- --------- -


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

--------- ---------

Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours'dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"

--------- --------- -

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"

--------- --------- -

Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles,from  London !”

 

 
TBWG
 

 

[urleft]

Here's my kind of kid:



[attachment deleted by admin]

[TBWG]

Education....


 

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really?

And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”


 

“My wife”, comes the reply.

 

[TBWG]

Grandad and the Australian Taxation Office
 
 The ATO decides to audit Grandad, and summons him to their office.
 
 The  auditor was not surprised when Grandad showed up with his lawyer.
 
 The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'
 
 I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandad. 'How about a demonstration?'
 
 The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
 
 Grandad says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
 
 The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
 
 Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
 
 Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
 
 Now the auditor can tell Grandad isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
 
 Grandad removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
 
 The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandad's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
 
 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandad asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
 
 The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
 
 Grandad stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
 
 The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
 
 But Grandad's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.
 
 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
 
 'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandad told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'
 
Don't Mess with Old People!

   

   

[TBWG]

        In a Chicago Hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
        .
        A nurse noticed his predicament.
        .
        Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
        .
        He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.  Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP20 and a red one labeled ATR.
        .
        Who would know if he touched them? 

        He couldn't resist... He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
        What a nice feeling, he thought.
        Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
        .
        Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
        .
        When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
        .
        When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
        .
        Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
        .
        "What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
        .
        "The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."
        .
        MEN  NEVER  LISTEN

 

 

[TBWG]

I will seek and find you. I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you. And when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu
******
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot

[TBWG]

Harley-Davidson Facts
 
 
 
 

 
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle? '
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'

God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'

Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?'

 
God said, 'Ah, yes.'

'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention
 

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension


 
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds

 
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much




4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!

 

     

'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'

God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
 

[TBWG]

THE GOLF ROBOT


A man goes to a public golf course. He approaches the man behind the counter in the pro shop and says, "I would like 18 holes of golf and a caddie."

The man behind the counter says, "The 18 holes of golf is no problem, but all of the caddies are out on the course. What I will do for you is this: We just received 8 brand new robot golf caddies. If you're willing to take one with you out on the course and come back and tell me how well it works, your round of golf is on me today."

The golfer obviously accepted the man's offer. He approached the first tee, looked at the fairway and said to himself, "I think my driver will do the job."

The robot caddie turned to the man and said, "No sir.. Use your 3 wood. A driver is far too much club for this hole." Hesitantly, the golfer pulled out his 3 wood, made good contact with the ball, and the ball landed about 10 feet to the right front of the hole on the green.

The golfer, delighted, turned to the robot and thanked him for his assistance. As the golfer pulled out his putter he said, "I think this green is gonna break left to right." The robot then again spoke up and said, "No sir. I do believe this green will break right to left."

Thinking about the last time the robot corrected his prediction, he decided again to listen to the machine. He made his putt and birdied the hole thanks to the robot and his advice. But his luck didn't end there. His entire game was the best game he ever played, thanks to the assistance of the new robot golf caddie.

Upon returning to the clubhouse, the man behind the counter asked, "How was your game ?" The golfer stated, "It was, by far, the BEST game I ever played. Thank you very much for letting me take one of your robots. See you next week."

A week passed, and excited, the golfer returned to the pro shop. Upon entering, he turned to the man behind the counter and said, "I would like 18 holes of golf and one of those robot golf caddies, please."

The gentleman from behind the counter turned to the man and said, "Well the 18 holes is no problem. However, we had to get rid of the robots. We had too many complaints."

"COMPLAINTS? Who could've complained about those robots? They were incredible"

The man sighed and said, "Well, it wasn't their performance. It was that they were made of shiny silver metal and the sun reflecting off them was blinding to other golfers on the fair way."

The golfer said, "So then why didn't you just paint them black?"

The man nodded sadly and replied, "We did. Then four of 'em didn't show up for work, two applied for welfare benefits, one of them robbed the pro shop, and the other thinks he's the President.

[Admin]

So many jokes today!!!!!! 

[TBWG]

     

    John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and shouted, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!'

     

    That won him the top prize at the pub for the Best Toast of the Night!

     

    He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the best toast of the night.'

     

    She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'

     

    John said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

     

    'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

     

    The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

     

    The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.'

     

    She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself.  You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years.  Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.'

 

[den Buut]

TBWG, where do you find these jokes.. (please don't answer, I like to read them here now and then)

[TBWG]

    Trivial Pursuit


    Can you guess which of the following are true and which are false?

    Answers are below.





    1 . Apples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.




    2. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button..




    3. A pack-a-day smoker will lose approximately 2 teeth every 10 years.




    4. People do not get sick from cold weather; it's from being indoors a lot more.




    5. When you sneeze, all bodily functions stop, even your heart!




    6. Only 7 per cent of the population are lefties.




    7. Forty people are sent to the hospital for dog bites every minute.




    8. Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until they are 2-6 years old.




    9. The average person over 50 will have spent 5 years waiting in lines.




    10. The toothbrush was invented in 1498.




    11. The average housefly lives for one month.




    12. 40,000 Americans are injured by toilets each year.




    13. A coat hanger is 44 inches long when straightened.




    14. The average computer user blinks 7 times a minute.




    15. Your feet are bigger in the afternoon than any other time of day.




    16. Most of us have eaten a spider in our sleep.




    17. The REAL reason ostriches stick their head in the sand is to search for water.




    18. The only two animals that can see behind themselves without turning their heads are the rabbit and the parrot.




    19. John Travolta turned down the starring roles in 'An Officer and a Gentleman' and 'Tootsie.'




    20. Michael Jackson owns the rights to the South Carolina State Anthem.




    21. In most television commercials advertising milk, a mixture of white paint and a little thinner is used in place of the milk.




    22. Prince Charles and Prince William NEVER travel on the same airplane, just in case there is a crash.




    23. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle built in 1903 used a tomato can for a carburetor.




    24. Most hospitals make money by selling the umbilical cords cut from women who give birth. They are used in vein transplant surgery.




    25. Humphrey Bogart was related to Princess Diana. They were 7th cousins.




    26. If coloring weren't added to Coca-Cola, it would be green.




     


      (Scroll down for answer.)   




     





    They are ALL true ..... Now go back and think about #16.



TBWG

[TBWG]

Ole and Sven were fishing in the Wisconsin season opener when Sven pulled out a cigar.   
Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,'  he replied, and then, reaching into his tackle box,
he pulled out a Bic lighter 10 inches long.
 

'Yiminy Cricket!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster??'
 
' Vell,' replied Ole,  'I got it from my Genie.'
 
'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.
 
'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.
 
'Could I see him?'
 
Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie. 

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master Vill you grant me vun vish?'
 
'Ya, shure, ya betcha,' says the Genie.
 
So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.


 
The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks.
 
Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks... flying directly overhead.
   
Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'
  Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat Da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[TBWG]

 Lemon Squeeze
 
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
 
Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'
 
 The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'
 
The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate
 love to me seven times.'
 
The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons
 into a glass and then drink the juice.'
 
The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'
 
The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'